The List

I believe every single woman and man has compiled a list of attributes for his or her ideal mate.  I was talking to this gent that I met and he was saying that, as a Black man in Atlanta, he is able to be a little more specific in his wants and needs than women are because basically he has more options.  (Weaves are a hell no.)  He’s telling the truth.  There are plenty beautiful, successful, and available Black women in Atlanta that want to settle down.  There are less of the same in Black men.  Sucks for me.  Anyway, after discussing some basic requirements, I thought “where is my list?” so I had to go look for it. 

Can you believe the last list I wrote was in 2007?  Well, here it is in no particular order:

Christian, compassionate, affectionate, attractive, communicative, gainfully employed (can work for self), emotionally intimate, physically/sexually compatible, more organized than I am, understanding, honest, patient, like to improve himself, encouraging, has his own friends, can compromise/be flexible, generous, have discernment, can love and accept love, kind, accepts me, wants children, wants to marry (somebody even if it is not me), love to read, can or at least will dance, FAITHFUL

In 2012 the list is still valid, even though some of them – like love to read and can dance – are no longer requirements.  I would add a few more things:

Makes me feel safe emotionally, physically, and financially; is taller than me; not judgmental of me; considers me an equal partner in the relationship; makes me a priority in his life; trusts me; is trustworthy; accepts my relationship to my family; understands my need for “me” time; is honest about his needs; has a sense of humor

Thinking back to the boys and men that I have loved, Loved, and “thought it was Love until I figured out it was bullshit”, I see many qualifications have been met but so many things have been missing and I’ve excused them as no big deal.  WTH?  ME with a man who is not affectionate means that I will be miserable.  (Been there.)  Me with a man that I do not feel emotionally safe with means I will always be on edge, leading to much unhappiness.  (Been there.)  Me with a man who makes me an option rather than a priority… yep, more unhappiness.  (Been there.)  Been there with men whose judgment I always feared.  Been there with men I couldn’t be honest with for fear of rocking the boat or starting trouble.  Now, don’t get me wrong…these same men would probably say that I limited myself, that they would have welcomed my opinions, which may actually be true.  I just didn’t know how to say anything I was feeling.  That’s always a big problem of mine…not being able to articulate what I am thinking and feeling in the moment.  I know I will not have a successful relationship unless and until I am able to do so.  So I will keep trying…