Wonderfully and Beautifully Flawed

I got an email the other day from one of my favorite Sorors and it spoke of all the beautiful things about being a woman…our strengths, our talents, what we have to offer our friends and families.  It made me smile and say “yes, that’s me.  I am that woman.”  I was pretty proud…until I got to the end of the email.  See, after lifting us up, the email pointed out a woman’s biggest flaw – that she does not know, recognize, or acknowledge (or make others acknowledge) her worth.  I cringed and said “yes, that’s me.  I am that woman.” 

I’ve undervalued myself for so long that I don’t know what my true value is.

Now, that sounds a lot deeper than I really meant to go when I sat down to write.  I meant to discuss insecurity and how it impacts relationships – both platonic and relationships – but clearly my mind has moved me to a different place…and it is not on the work I’m supposed to be doing right now.  So…

I used to say that I am wonderfully and beautifully flawed.  I liked the way that sounded.  It acknowledged that I had flaws but it also acknowledged that I was still wonderful and beautiful.  But there are many times where the “wonderful” and “beautiful” are overshadowed by the “flawed”.  What is greatest in our minds gets the most attention and negative self-talk is a constant battle for me.  I am in a continuous fight with “flawed”.

Finding what is wrong with me is a bad habit…especially when I’m looking for and at things no one else can see…or cares about if they do catch a glimpse of.  I think that is a result of my upbringing – if only you knew – and my years (YEARS!) of therapy.  When you’re always “working” on something it’s hard to feel fully comfortable and confident in “you”.  Clearly who you are right this second is not quite right.  You’re not your best “you”.  (Just so you know…word is I’m needy, not emotionally intimate, angry, and passive-aggressive.)

(Can I just say this?  Sometimes I HATED therapy.  I would feel worse about myself in that room than in any other space on the planet.  There were plenty times I wanted to tell my therapist to bite my butt. (Guess I am angry.) I have things that could be improved but I have LOTS of things that are right with me, too, dammit.  /rant over)

I’m nowhere near perfect but I am a good person.  I’m intelligent and successful.  I am kind.  I am loving and affectionate and have a lot to offer in relationships – platonic, familial, and romantic.  I am learning how to receive and let people be nice to me.  I am learning that I’m okay as I am right now…wonderfully and beautifully flawed.

And whoever doesn’t think so can bite my butt.