I Know What Love Is

“I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.” -  Forrest Gump

I am sitting in a hotel room with my sister-in-law after visiting my mother in the hospital after her surgery.  My brother just left pissed, acting like an asshole because of a decision I made to go to the hospital without him.  He’s been drinking, as usual, and acting like an asshole.  It pisses me off a lot.  See, I can do asshole too – well - and I don’t like to do asshole.  So there are three things bothering me about this trip – my mama is in the hospital, my brother is acting like and asshole and drove to the hospital alone and after drinking, and I’m alone.  Not physically alone since I just said I’m with my sister-in-law and my brother, but alone.  I have no one to help me emotionally deal with my fears about my mother being in the hospital.  Okay, that’s not true.  I have girlfriends out the wazzoo that are more supportive than I can even articulate but you know what I mean.  I don’t have a man whose chest I can lay on, to whom I can whisper my fears while he catches my tears on his fingertips.  Yeah, today being single sucks.

Let’s forget about the emotional stuff going on right now for a second.  Let’s just focus on the fact that I don’t have a man right now because regardless of the fact that mama is in the hospital and my brother is being an asshole, I’m still alone and this shit is starting to piss me off…again.  Yeah, I’m back to being pissed about this shit.  You know why?  Because this is completely unnecessary and out of order.  I don’t deserve to be alone.  What I deserve is a bro-tation but I really just want ONE.  ONE DUDE that is all mine.  I deserve it dammit.

Sure, I don’t like to clean up too much.  I have a potty mouth.  I have bad feet.  I have a few extra inches here and there.  My thighs rub together and my pants are getting worn at the thighs.  I have acne.  I need a haircut and a perm right now.  I just got my first pedicure in months today and thank goodness because my feet looked like I had been running over hot coals.  And my hips and knees creak.

But I’m sexy and I have a great sense of humor.  And I’m smart and successful.  And I’m kind.  Generous.  Smart (needed to say that twice).  Sexy (twice, too).  Can cook.  Can cater to my man.  LOVE to take care of my man.  Sexy (okay, that’s the last time).

Most importantly, though, I know what love is.  And I know how to love.  And I want to love, more than anything.  Yes, more than anything.

Aww hell, I’m starting to get emotional a little bit.  Because I’m being as honest as I’ve ever been.  I miss love.  I miss loving.  I miss being loved.  Really, REALLY loving and being loved.  Real love.  Pure love.  Honest love.  Complete love. 

Until then, I will keep dreaming and praying and wishing and praying…and might have to get on blackpeoplemeet.com because match.com ain't worth a shit.

He’s out there…Christian, pretty teeth, got a good job, has a sense of humor, sexy, strong hug, makes me feel emotionally and physically safe, exposes me to new things, thinks I’m great, wants just me (no sharing, no competing)… Yeah, he’s out there.  And he knows what love is too.  And wants mine and wants to give me his.

Settle To Settle Down

I asked this question on FaceBook and I pretty much got the answer that I expected: absolutely not.  Sorry I got ahead of myself.  Here is the question:

If you can’t be with the one you love, should you take the one that loves you?

 

Isn’t that basically settling to settle down?

Picture it: Paris, 2013.  Beautiful lady, let’s call her Desiree, meets two very nice men, Paul and Keith.  Paul is very kind, the kind of man that buys flowers, pull out chairs, has hearts in his eyes for her…but Desiree is not attracted to him physically, mentally, or emotionally.  She likes him…kind of…but definitely not “like that”.  He’d do anything for her but…no.  Not just no, but hell no.  Keith, on the other hand, meets all her requirements.  He is kind, compassionate, generous, makes her feel comfortable, is trying to improve himself, makes her want to improve herself, makes her laugh, laughs with but not at her…she has hearts in her eyes for him.  He has hearts in one eye for her but the other wanders.  So he, too, is a hell no.  (Who shares on purpose?)

Desiree wants to settle down, says she won’t settle…but is REALLY ready to settle down.  Paul offers most of what she wants and he could grow on her, right? (What is he, a fungus?)  She should give a nice man a chance…right?  Women are always talking about how they can’t find a good man, how men are dogs, how men don’t want to settle down, blahx3…and Paul is a good man, wants to settle down so he deserves a shot…right?  Keith, on the other hand…well she needs to let that dream go, right?  Or should she continue to build a friendship and maybe it will grow into something else…or maybe the friendship with grow into an even better friendship.  (It really, really is a good friendship that she would rather not lose in her quest for “something more”.)

I’m voting that Desiree not string Paul along.  I know I’ve NEVER had a man “grow on” me.  Maybe I’m mean – that’s possible – but I decide pretty quickly whether someone truly has a shot.  That may be why I’m still single…not giving it more time…but hell, if my toes don’t even twinkle, much like curl, when I think of sexytime with them, well, that’s a wrap.  Really, why bother?  (And PLEASE don’t act like you don’t envision that dude or that girl nekkid on date #1.  You can lie to me but don’t lie to yourself.)  I’m also voting that she fall back on Keith and let the friendship turn into whatever it is it will turn into.  Be her beautiful self, stay open but not but pressed.

Sexless In The City

Anybody that knows me in real life knows that I love a massage.  I might choose a massage over a meal and if you look at my booty you can tell I don’t miss many meals.  I get massages when I need to relax, when I have tension in my body and mind, when I hurt physically and even sometimes when I hurt emotionally.  Something about those long soothing strokes up and down the body…

My last massage, however, hurt like a sonofabitch.  I would say my dude was more physical therapist than massage therapist.  More focused on the fix than the finesse.  The way he twisted, turned, jabbed, and kneaded, I must have needed a whole lot of fixing.  He said my hips were misaligned because of tight muscles and that I needed to stretch more.  So I think “yoga”.

I get a FaceBook message:  “What you really need is sex.”

As a matter of fact, I was told that how I was living was completely back assward.  That being 40 and celibate ain’t what it do at all.  I should be, in fact, having as much sex as possible – by myself and with other people.

Just when I think I’m doing okay in my life I find out I ain’t doing shit right.  Damn.

Sex by myself.  Easy.  No more discussion on that…until later.  I’m thinking about how to talk about that.

Sex with someone else.  Ummm…not so easy.  See, I don’t know anybody here.  Well, I do know one dude but I’m not into being in anyone’s ho-tation so…. (To be fair, I wouldn’t try to have a bro-tation either.)  And if I do reach out and reach back to the familiar, a whole set of problems come along with that.  So I have to ask myself if it’s actually worth it.

So I ask you, is digging up the past worth it to get a little ass?  Should I go out there and find me some strange just to knock the edge off, stretch my hip muscles out…you know, extend my range of motion?  Or should I stick with creating, um, good vibrations alone?

Single Until You're Married

When I chose the title of this blog, Single But Not Bitter, I wasn’t really thinking about what “single” really meant.  Maybe that is because, regardless of how you define it, I was (and now am) single.  During the time I didn’t write, or wrote sporadically, from ~September last year until around August of this year, I was in a relationship.  Come to find out, I was still single.

I have discovered by questioning some very intelligent people – my friends on FaceBook – “single” is a marital status, not a relationship status.  Single, Married, Divorced, Separated, Widowed.  Marital status.  (Question – aren’t divorced and widowed people “single” if they are not remarried?  Just saying.)  Nobody cares if you are in a committed relationship. 

Does Uncle Sam think you’re single?  Yes?  You’re single.

On any form that asks for status, do you check “married”?  No?  You’re single.

Can your significant other be put on your medical insurance?  No? You’re single. (Or in a spouse-like relationship because you cannot be legally married.  At least that is allowed at my job.)

Is this person the beneficiary of your life insurance?  No?  You’re single.

Is this person your next of kin?  No?  You’re single.

Do you and this person have the same last name?  No?  You’re single.  (Don’t talk to me about the women who don’t take their husband’s last name, ok, you know where I’m going with this.)

Got it?

Unless and until you are married, you are single.

That kind of hurt my feelings a little bit.  I kind of wanted to not be single when I’m in a relationship, really just to have something else to say other than “single”. (I’m sick of “single”.)  But what would that status be called?  There are too many options.

 “Single but in a new relationship that has potential”

“Single but in a really stable relationship that looks like it may just go the distance”

“Single but in love”

“Single but pre-engaged” (You know…he said he was going to ask you soon, just be patient, dang.)

“Single but engaged but don’t have a wedding date yet”

“Single but engaged with a wedding date and a deposit on the hall”

“Single but getting married next month…week…tomorrow”

Hell, that is too complicated.  I guess I’ll take “single until you’re married”…and try to stay “but not bitter”.

You ARE the father...now pay up

I am home sick today.  Got the crud even though I look more like walking death.  All that means is that I get to watch a lot more TV than normal in between naps.

I was watching a Dr. Phil from 2008 about the responsibility of men who father children.  Seems simple.  Make a baby, support a baby.  Right?

Well, the guy on Dr. Phil sees it differently.  His thought:  “I told her I didn’t want a kid so before she got pregnant – and I told her AGAIN when she told me she was pregnant I didn’t want a kid – so I shouldn’t have to be responsible for this kid I already said I didn’t want.” Dude sounds like a slimeball, right?  And he might be on the verge of breaking the law.  But look at it from the other side.

Girl says:  “I don’t want a kid – and I don’t care that you do – so I’m going to have this abortion and you can’t do anything about it.”  She’s being responsible for not bringing a kid into the world that she cannot take care of.  And it’s legal.

 (Okay, let’s not get into a pro-life/pro-choice debate.  That’s really not the point.  Today it’s legal.) 

Looks like the girl has all the power in this thing.  I usually like it when the female has all the power.  It happens so infrequently.  But in this case, I’m not exactly sure how I feel.  Should a woman be able to decide to have a kid – knowing a man doesn’t want said kid – and force him to pay child support for 18 years?  Should a woman be able to abort a baby even if he wants the baby? 

Should a woman be able to force him to be a father if he cannot force her to be a mother?

I watch a lot of Maury.  I love that foolishness.  So tacky, I know.  In light of this topic I listened more closely to what is being said – okay, HOLLERED – at the potential baby daddies: “You don’t do anything for my baby.” "You gonna take care of yo’ baby.” "If this is your baby, you’re going to take care of this child and be in this child’s life, right?” “You have only seen this child 2 times in 2 years.” “You didn’t give her anything for her birthday.”

It’s all about what the men are not doing to support the women and the child.  Now, most of the times, these men have called the woman all kinds of hoes, saying it is not even possible that they are the “baby daddy”…blah, blah, blah…so it’s not like they are anxious to invest in the kids they have already said probably aren’t theirs.  (Side question: Is a man required to support a kid that he is not sure is his?  When does his responsibility begin?)  Sure there are some that want to be the father, but the majority don’t.  They don’t want the mama and they don’t want the kid.  How “you ARE the father” changes that attitude confuses me…and I really wonder how supportive – mentally, physically, and financially – these men are after the TV cameras stop rolling.

But because Maury has told him and millions of us that he IS the father, he is now responsible for mental, physical, and financial support for this kid that he never agreed to father.  For 18 years.

Is that right?  Is that fair?

I could say, “damn right that’s fair” because folks understand that every time you have sex you run the risk of making a baby, regardless of what you SAY your intentions and desires are.  “What if she lied about being on the pill?”  Should have wrapped it up.  (When are boys and men going to learn that women lie about this shit all the time?  Is hitting it raw worth the risk of having a baby you don’t want?  Sorry for being so crass but damn!  Stop being stupid.)

But I could also say “uh…not really fair because he was not involved in the post-pregnancy ‘keep-abortion-adoption’ decision-making process so he should not be responsible for what SHE decides”.

I can usually wrap these up with a closing statement that makes it clear where I stand but I can’t this time because I’m torn.  I would hope that a man I was with wouldn’t have to be forced to be a daddy to a child that he fathered.  I would hope that a man I was with wouldn’t have to be forced to financially support a child that he fathered.  I would hope that I wouldn’t have to beg him to spend time with his child or to try and force a relationship between father and child.  I guess it all comes down to this: don’t sleep with anybody that you wouldn’t want a kid with and that would not want a kid with you.  Don’t sleep with that joker if you think he is going to take you to Maury to prove he is not the father (unless, of course, you are the town hoe, then a trip to Connecticut might be necessary).  Don’t sleep with that joker if you will have to take HIM to Maury to prove he IS the father.  Don’t sleep with somebody you are going to have to take to court for child support (unless you both just want it in writing so as to protect both of your interests).  Don’t sleep with anyone whose mama and sister are ignorant and accuse you of stealing their son/brother from the family and who think that when they prove he is not the father of your baby they are going to take him home with them, back to the family.  Oh, sorry.  That is what happened on Maury this morning.  (He was the father.)

Scandalous Love

“Hi, my name is Single Lady and I am a Scandal addict.”  I am in such pain right now waiting on a new episode.  I’m watching reruns to get my Scandal fix.  What the hell has Shonda Rhimes done to me?

I’m in a ‘secret’ group on FaceBook, “Gladiators in Suits”.  Everyone else is an addict too so we’re all itching like Tyrone Biggums looking for our next hit.  It feels good not to be alone in this thing.  We are currently in a discussion about Olivia’s and Fitz’s relationship.  Actually the conversation started with the question of whether the show could go on without the affair.  The general consensus thus far is that sure, the show could go on, but the affair put the ‘scandal’ in Scandal.

The conversation got real when we started discussing Fitz and Liv’s relationship, their love, especially Liv’s desire for that painful, devastating love she told Edison she needed.  Painful?  Devastating?  For real?  That is dysfunctional…right?  She doesn’t really, REALLY want dysfunction, can’t-be-right love…right?  Even WE who LOVE Olitz don’t want that for her…or ourselves…right?

Hell no, I don’t.  I’ve done painful.  I’ve done devastating.  I’ve done dysfunctional.  I’ve done abusive (not physically).  I’ve done neglectful.  I’ve done ‘thought it was love but it was really some bullshit’.  I’ve done it all.  Being the grown ass 40 years and 10 days old woman that I am, I can honestly, clearly, unequivocally say that yall can miss me with painful, devastating, dysfunctional love.  Don’t want it. Don’t need it.

Honestly, though, I don’t think Liv wants that either. (I’m really talking about these people like they are real!)  What I see her wanting is ‘PASSIONATE’ love.  ‘Screw me in the Oval Office’ love.  ‘Take me to touch the Constitution’ love.  ‘Breathe in sync’ love.  ‘We look like power’ love.  ‘Cry into your Navy sweatshirt’ love.  ‘You own me’ love.  ‘Ride or die’ love.  ‘Want it like a crack addict’ love.

I want ‘crack’ love too.

I want ‘first thought in the morning, last thought before I close my eyes’ love.  ‘Reach out in the middle of the night and hold your hand in my sleep’ love.  ‘Turn over and watch you sleep’ love.  ‘You make my body tingle without even touching me’ love.  (My toe curled up a little bit when I wrote that.  LOL!)  ‘Because it matters to you, it matters to me’ love.  ‘I can speak your love language’ love.  (I need words of affirmation.  Tell me you love me!  If you make me believe you there is NOTHING I won’t do to make you happy.  It wouldn’t hurt if you tell me I’m beautiful, desirable, and intelligent, too.  I’m not big on material gifts but a token here and there is appreciated.  I’m not a good receiver but I’m a giver so please don’t think I’m corny with what I give you.  I act like yall care about this.)  ‘I can’t wait for you to be my baby daddy’ love.  ‘I will submit to your leadership’ (because I know you know the rest of the scripture) love. 

Hmph…I guess I don’t want a scandal in my love.  I want stability and security, not ‘will they/won’t they’.  Not ‘well, he is in a loveless marriage so it’s okay that he creeps with her’.  Not ‘but it’s twu luv’ to justify a scandalous affair.  Nah, I’ll leave that drama to Shonda Rhimes, Kerry Washington, and Tony Goldwyn.  I’ll live vicariously, though, because that dysfunctional TV love is HOT and SEXY.  Hotter and sexier than what I have going on.  Not that I’m complaining about what I have because it’s quite nice but no matter what I have going on, my boo will NEVER be able to take me to the Oval Office to get a little bit.  I’m not EVER going to get any at Camp David while writing the State of the Union address.  Just not going to happen.  I can’t even take him to my job because I work in a secure building and I can’t even write “to get some in the conference room” on the visitor’s request form.  BUT…my closet might just work if I move some of my clothes around………Just saying…

 

 

Cleaning House - Me at 25

As I am cleaning out rooms in my house preparing to move I find things that I haven’t touched in years.  Tonight I found CDs that I haven’t listened to – Happy Anniversary Charlie Brown (don’t judge me), Barry Manilow (I just asked you not to judge me), Levert, Club Nouveau, New Edition, Troop.  Let’s not talk about the cassette TAPES.  I found a size 6 bathing suit one night and I’ve not worn a size 6 since…hell, I don’t know.  Anyway, I’m laughing my way through it…when I get unstuck and am able to move.  (A story for another day.)

Well, tonight I found an old journal.  I read through it (had only a few entries) and I realized that I haven’t changed a whole lot emotionally.  I wondered if it’s a good thing or bad.  I guess it’s all about how you look at it.  I’m sure I’ll analyze it over and over again (read: overanalyze to death) and still not decide.

I wanted to share what I thought back in 1998 at age 25.

·        What I like to do

o   Read

o   Write

o   Go skating

o   Go to Bell Bottoms (club)

o   Exercise

o   Play on the swings

o   Sing

o   Go out to eat

o   Dance

o   Cook

·        If the job paid enough I would…

o   Teach chemistry

o   Teach aerobics

·        If I had this/these talent(s) I’d think I was the bomb…

o   Singing

o   Writing

·        If I could, I would…

o   Write a book

·        I wish that I was a lot less…

o   Sensitive to what other people thought about me

·        Other people tell me that I am…

o   Very comedic

o   Very sensitive

o   Sometimes the life of the party

·        I really get inspiration from

o   Iyanla Vanzant books

o   Bible

o   Muffin

·        Physically I feel that I have…

o   A lot of room for improvement

·        Emotionally I feel that I have…

o   A lot of room for improvement

·        I feel that I am…

o   A good friend

o   A good person

o   Overly protective of people

o   Always a good supporter

o   A nurturer

o   Very loving

o   In need of love and support

o   Too afraid to ask for what I want for fear of rejection

·        I am afraid of…

o   Dying

o   Rejection

o   Not having kids

o   Dogs

o   Snakes

So, that was me.  I see a lot of 2013 Single Lady in these responses too.  Can’t get into it right now but I’ll give my 2013 answers next.

Until then I’ll keep going thru my shit…physically, emotionally, and mentally.