I Know What Love Is

“I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.” -  Forrest Gump

I am sitting in a hotel room with my sister-in-law after visiting my mother in the hospital after her surgery.  My brother just left pissed, acting like an asshole because of a decision I made to go to the hospital without him.  He’s been drinking, as usual, and acting like an asshole.  It pisses me off a lot.  See, I can do asshole too – well - and I don’t like to do asshole.  So there are three things bothering me about this trip – my mama is in the hospital, my brother is acting like and asshole and drove to the hospital alone and after drinking, and I’m alone.  Not physically alone since I just said I’m with my sister-in-law and my brother, but alone.  I have no one to help me emotionally deal with my fears about my mother being in the hospital.  Okay, that’s not true.  I have girlfriends out the wazzoo that are more supportive than I can even articulate but you know what I mean.  I don’t have a man whose chest I can lay on, to whom I can whisper my fears while he catches my tears on his fingertips.  Yeah, today being single sucks.

Let’s forget about the emotional stuff going on right now for a second.  Let’s just focus on the fact that I don’t have a man right now because regardless of the fact that mama is in the hospital and my brother is being an asshole, I’m still alone and this shit is starting to piss me off…again.  Yeah, I’m back to being pissed about this shit.  You know why?  Because this is completely unnecessary and out of order.  I don’t deserve to be alone.  What I deserve is a bro-tation but I really just want ONE.  ONE DUDE that is all mine.  I deserve it dammit.

Sure, I don’t like to clean up too much.  I have a potty mouth.  I have bad feet.  I have a few extra inches here and there.  My thighs rub together and my pants are getting worn at the thighs.  I have acne.  I need a haircut and a perm right now.  I just got my first pedicure in months today and thank goodness because my feet looked like I had been running over hot coals.  And my hips and knees creak.

But I’m sexy and I have a great sense of humor.  And I’m smart and successful.  And I’m kind.  Generous.  Smart (needed to say that twice).  Sexy (twice, too).  Can cook.  Can cater to my man.  LOVE to take care of my man.  Sexy (okay, that’s the last time).

Most importantly, though, I know what love is.  And I know how to love.  And I want to love, more than anything.  Yes, more than anything.

Aww hell, I’m starting to get emotional a little bit.  Because I’m being as honest as I’ve ever been.  I miss love.  I miss loving.  I miss being loved.  Really, REALLY loving and being loved.  Real love.  Pure love.  Honest love.  Complete love. 

Until then, I will keep dreaming and praying and wishing and praying…and might have to get on blackpeoplemeet.com because match.com ain't worth a shit.

He’s out there…Christian, pretty teeth, got a good job, has a sense of humor, sexy, strong hug, makes me feel emotionally and physically safe, exposes me to new things, thinks I’m great, wants just me (no sharing, no competing)… Yeah, he’s out there.  And he knows what love is too.  And wants mine and wants to give me his.