You ARE the father...now pay up

I am home sick today.  Got the crud even though I look more like walking death.  All that means is that I get to watch a lot more TV than normal in between naps.

I was watching a Dr. Phil from 2008 about the responsibility of men who father children.  Seems simple.  Make a baby, support a baby.  Right?

Well, the guy on Dr. Phil sees it differently.  His thought:  “I told her I didn’t want a kid so before she got pregnant – and I told her AGAIN when she told me she was pregnant I didn’t want a kid – so I shouldn’t have to be responsible for this kid I already said I didn’t want.” Dude sounds like a slimeball, right?  And he might be on the verge of breaking the law.  But look at it from the other side.

Girl says:  “I don’t want a kid – and I don’t care that you do – so I’m going to have this abortion and you can’t do anything about it.”  She’s being responsible for not bringing a kid into the world that she cannot take care of.  And it’s legal.

 (Okay, let’s not get into a pro-life/pro-choice debate.  That’s really not the point.  Today it’s legal.) 

Looks like the girl has all the power in this thing.  I usually like it when the female has all the power.  It happens so infrequently.  But in this case, I’m not exactly sure how I feel.  Should a woman be able to decide to have a kid – knowing a man doesn’t want said kid – and force him to pay child support for 18 years?  Should a woman be able to abort a baby even if he wants the baby? 

Should a woman be able to force him to be a father if he cannot force her to be a mother?

I watch a lot of Maury.  I love that foolishness.  So tacky, I know.  In light of this topic I listened more closely to what is being said – okay, HOLLERED – at the potential baby daddies: “You don’t do anything for my baby.” "You gonna take care of yo’ baby.” "If this is your baby, you’re going to take care of this child and be in this child’s life, right?” “You have only seen this child 2 times in 2 years.” “You didn’t give her anything for her birthday.”

It’s all about what the men are not doing to support the women and the child.  Now, most of the times, these men have called the woman all kinds of hoes, saying it is not even possible that they are the “baby daddy”…blah, blah, blah…so it’s not like they are anxious to invest in the kids they have already said probably aren’t theirs.  (Side question: Is a man required to support a kid that he is not sure is his?  When does his responsibility begin?)  Sure there are some that want to be the father, but the majority don’t.  They don’t want the mama and they don’t want the kid.  How “you ARE the father” changes that attitude confuses me…and I really wonder how supportive – mentally, physically, and financially – these men are after the TV cameras stop rolling.

But because Maury has told him and millions of us that he IS the father, he is now responsible for mental, physical, and financial support for this kid that he never agreed to father.  For 18 years.

Is that right?  Is that fair?

I could say, “damn right that’s fair” because folks understand that every time you have sex you run the risk of making a baby, regardless of what you SAY your intentions and desires are.  “What if she lied about being on the pill?”  Should have wrapped it up.  (When are boys and men going to learn that women lie about this shit all the time?  Is hitting it raw worth the risk of having a baby you don’t want?  Sorry for being so crass but damn!  Stop being stupid.)

But I could also say “uh…not really fair because he was not involved in the post-pregnancy ‘keep-abortion-adoption’ decision-making process so he should not be responsible for what SHE decides”.

I can usually wrap these up with a closing statement that makes it clear where I stand but I can’t this time because I’m torn.  I would hope that a man I was with wouldn’t have to be forced to be a daddy to a child that he fathered.  I would hope that a man I was with wouldn’t have to be forced to financially support a child that he fathered.  I would hope that I wouldn’t have to beg him to spend time with his child or to try and force a relationship between father and child.  I guess it all comes down to this: don’t sleep with anybody that you wouldn’t want a kid with and that would not want a kid with you.  Don’t sleep with that joker if you think he is going to take you to Maury to prove he is not the father (unless, of course, you are the town hoe, then a trip to Connecticut might be necessary).  Don’t sleep with that joker if you will have to take HIM to Maury to prove he IS the father.  Don’t sleep with somebody you are going to have to take to court for child support (unless you both just want it in writing so as to protect both of your interests).  Don’t sleep with anyone whose mama and sister are ignorant and accuse you of stealing their son/brother from the family and who think that when they prove he is not the father of your baby they are going to take him home with them, back to the family.  Oh, sorry.  That is what happened on Maury this morning.  (He was the father.)