What Is For Me.......?

A few days ago, I was at dinner with my trainer and she basically told me to give it up – my hopes and dreams of having kids – because I am too old.  There was a whole conversation going on so, no, it wasn’t random.  Now, of course I was cool and prayed on the inside and smiled on the outside.  That’s the right thing to do right?  Pray and declare that I am going to have what is for me?  I really, REALLY believe that a husband and children is for me…but what the hell do I KNOW, really?

I know that I don’t KNOW shit.

I keep saying – and BELIEVING – that God knows the desires of my heart and that if I am faithful He will give me what I desire.  I’m trying to be faithful.  I really am…TRYING.  But am I succeeding? Am I doing the right thing? (Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.  Proverbs 3: 5-6)

I know that I cannot EARN God’s favor and grace.  It’s just that – favor and grace – freely given, not because of anything I can or cannot achieve.

Right?

You know, I want a husband.  I talk a lot about a baby but that is because that is really more time-dependent as I am 39 and definitely not something I cannot do without some male, um, energy.  A man is necessary to have a baby but I want a man who will be FOR ME.  A good father, yes, but a GOOD HUSBAND, first and foremost.

But what if by waiting for a husband I will miss out on having a husband AND a baby?

I really do not want to be a single mother…on purpose.  I don’t think it will be fair to a child or even, hell, to me.  I don’t think I’m enough to be mother and father.  That’s not self-doubt or self-deprecation.  That’s the truth.  Now, one day I may feel differently but as of today, I want to do it with a husband.  I want a family.

Why won’t God reveal His will to me?  Why won’t He tell me what is for me?  Oh, probably because He doesn’t answer to me?  (Yeah, that’s pretty much it.)

It’s so hard not to get anxious and afraid, no matter what I say.  Most days I’m good but sometimes I get a little wobbly in my confidence.  (Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7)

Times like this I really want to call my First Lady.  She would know what to say, tell me what to read, help me to pray.  She understands because she has what I want.  I know it’s not perfect but check this out:  In church, Pastor said that he prayed that God equipped him with the kind of love that she needed.  (I would have cried if I didn’t kind of know the teenage I was sitting next to. I did get a little misty eyed but I held it in because I’m not a punk.)  I hope God is equipping the man He has for me with the kind of love that I need…and that He is equipping me with the kind of love that he needs.   I pray God is equipping me with all I need to be a Proverbs 31 WIFE.  I’m ready to do my part.