I’m in a weird place.
I’ve been alone for a long time but right now I am actually lonely.
Isn’t that a sad word?
Lonely is a word that makes me think of someone completely alone, with
no one in her life. Completely alone, with
no one to call in good times or bad.
Completely alone, with no one to visit or invite over. I’m not completely alone but I do sometimes
feel like I am imposing when I call unless it is great news, being mindful of
family time and children’s bedtimes, or feeling funny when I want to visit but
haven’t been invited over. I feel like I’m
in the way and I worry about overstaying my welcome. (To be fair, that is my own issue because I don’t
like it when people come to my house without calling first so I would never do
that to anybody else AND I have open invitations to folks’ homes that I most
like to visit. I just don’t exercise the
option.)
I feel like I’m the only person without someone in their
lives. Of course that is being dramatic
because, although I have no one romantically, I am surrounded by friends and
associates. I want someone in my life
romantically and I want a family. I don’t
want to be the odd-man-out. And I often
(more often than not, honestly) feel like the odd-man-out. Like one of these kids is doing his own thing…and
that kid is me. I feel unattached, that I
have to stretch real hard to reach out to touch someone who might be able to
grasp my hand in a time when I’m in need of support. Even those people who are more than willing
and able to be there as strong support for me.
People don’t understand why I don’t like to do long distance
relationships but I need access to the man I’m dating. I need a hand to hold, a chest to lay on, a
literal shoulder to lean on, a smile to see…on a random Tuesday. On a bad day.
On the day I get a promotion. On
the day I have a fight with a friend. On
a day when my legs are on fire from spin class and I need to be rubbed the
right way. (Sorry I just heard a little
Johnny Gill this afternoon.) I needed
that hand, chest, shoulder, smile, and rub this week when it was revealed to me
that someone I thought was a friend – a good friend – actually wished me GONE
from our joint space. And I feel very
vulnerable right now and I need some validation and confirmation that it is okay
to feel hurt but that I am okay.
I’m questioning myself in a lot of ways right now. Questioning my motives for moves that I am
considering and things I am avoiding.
Moves like actually picking up and moving from Atlanta…and I’ve been
here for most of 21 years…and I’m deathly afraid of change. Not sure if I want to leave my company
because of personal dynamics and the fact that I no longer feel emotionally
safe or if I am just ready to make a career change after 14 years. Not sure if I want to move back to my
hometown because at least I will have family around or if I really think it is a
place I can be happy and successful and thrive.
I will be the odd-man-out and unattached in a way there too but I can
move around enough to avoid being sad…I think…I hope. At least I know I can trust my family to have
my back and I wouldn’t feel funny going to my Daddy’s house when I felt like
looking at him. And I’d be close to Mama…and
I have a key to her house so… LOL!! Have
been thinking about adopting a baby but not sure I want to be a single
mother. No, I KNOW I don’t want to be a
single mother, but I’m wondering if this is on my mind lately because I want to
have someone in my life so I’d no longer be lonely. Someone that is MINE. (If that is not selfish I don’t know what
is.)
I’m rambling but that is how my mind is going. Random and rambling. That’s why I haven’t posted in a while. My mind is jumbled. And yes, I have been taking my meds.
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