What Is For Me.......?

A few days ago, I was at dinner with my trainer and she basically told me to give it up – my hopes and dreams of having kids – because I am too old.  There was a whole conversation going on so, no, it wasn’t random.  Now, of course I was cool and prayed on the inside and smiled on the outside.  That’s the right thing to do right?  Pray and declare that I am going to have what is for me?  I really, REALLY believe that a husband and children is for me…but what the hell do I KNOW, really?

I know that I don’t KNOW shit.

I keep saying – and BELIEVING – that God knows the desires of my heart and that if I am faithful He will give me what I desire.  I’m trying to be faithful.  I really am…TRYING.  But am I succeeding? Am I doing the right thing? (Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.  Proverbs 3: 5-6)

I know that I cannot EARN God’s favor and grace.  It’s just that – favor and grace – freely given, not because of anything I can or cannot achieve.

Right?

You know, I want a husband.  I talk a lot about a baby but that is because that is really more time-dependent as I am 39 and definitely not something I cannot do without some male, um, energy.  A man is necessary to have a baby but I want a man who will be FOR ME.  A good father, yes, but a GOOD HUSBAND, first and foremost.

But what if by waiting for a husband I will miss out on having a husband AND a baby?

I really do not want to be a single mother…on purpose.  I don’t think it will be fair to a child or even, hell, to me.  I don’t think I’m enough to be mother and father.  That’s not self-doubt or self-deprecation.  That’s the truth.  Now, one day I may feel differently but as of today, I want to do it with a husband.  I want a family.

Why won’t God reveal His will to me?  Why won’t He tell me what is for me?  Oh, probably because He doesn’t answer to me?  (Yeah, that’s pretty much it.)

It’s so hard not to get anxious and afraid, no matter what I say.  Most days I’m good but sometimes I get a little wobbly in my confidence.  (Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7)

Times like this I really want to call my First Lady.  She would know what to say, tell me what to read, help me to pray.  She understands because she has what I want.  I know it’s not perfect but check this out:  In church, Pastor said that he prayed that God equipped him with the kind of love that she needed.  (I would have cried if I didn’t kind of know the teenage I was sitting next to. I did get a little misty eyed but I held it in because I’m not a punk.)  I hope God is equipping the man He has for me with the kind of love that I need…and that He is equipping me with the kind of love that he needs.   I pray God is equipping me with all I need to be a Proverbs 31 WIFE.  I’m ready to do my part.

Sister Wives, Sister Girls

I’m reading a book called “Mighty and Strong” and the underlying theme is polygamy.  I also watch Sister Wives on TLC.  That show is also about polygamy.  They are interesting in that they give a peek into a lifestyle that most of us would never experience because it is purely (supposedly) religious doctrine and, let’s be honest, would never go for even if it was not a religious concept.

Me, myself, personally – all three of us – say hell to the naw, Bobby, to the lifestyle that includes:

·        Sharing my husband in ALL ways (yes, you and I ARE on the same page…lies and confusion)

·        Sharing MY money, not just with my husband and our kids, but with my sister wives and their kids  (On Sister Wives, I get the impression that all the money goes into one pot and it gets distributed however regardless of who put in on it… and some of them don’t…lies and confusion)

·        Not having access to my husband unless it is my turn (ha! More lies and confusion)

·        My children not having access to their father unless it is our turn (I will say this.  If they live on a compound, like the ones we see on TV, this is probably not an issue, but on Sister Wives right now they live in separate houses so the father doesn’t see his kids every day…that’s more than lies and confusion; that’s that BS.)

·        Having to live with how many other wives he marries (On Sister Wives they supposedly help choose or cosign on the new wife but I’m not sure if that is 1. True or 2. How all of the husbands do it…again…lies and confusion)

·        Being “sealed” to a man on earth and in the afterlife (that is the religious part so I won’t comment)

So you see a lot of polygamy, for ME, is lies and confusion.

But isn’t polygamy just man-sharing, and don’t we have an epidemic of THAT in our society?  Sharing whether we know or not. Seeing him only on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday when you know he has a lot more free time.  Having a baby with him but only getting a few dollars and diapers but still some excuses for why he’s not over there changing them.  Letting him stay with you because he doesn’t have anywhere to say (really so he won’t be able to have any other women around…don’t lie).  Wondering why his phone is always on airplane mode when he’s with you (I heard that on Steve Harvey the other day!  I didn’t know people did that!!).  Letting him get away with having a side piece or (*gasp*choke*cough*) BEING the side piece.  Giving him 6 months to get rid of all his other women (heard that on Steve Harvey too!  Where they do that at?!?!?).  Rationalizing that it’s better to have a piece of a man than no man. 

Or lying to yourself that nothing is going on.

Oh yes, I’m telling on myself with some of these.  I’m naïve sometimes and I really want to think the best of people, even to my own detriment.  If you’ve read enough of these you should have picked up on that.

All right, confessions over.  Now what are we going to do about it?  Don’t ask me.  I just said I was a punk!  I need advice too.  What I promise myself, though, is that if a dude is not doing his best – or what I think his best should be – I’m calling him out.  And I’m making some stuff clear from the rip, especially that I want to TALK more than text.  (Yall know the dude who only texted me got the boot, right?)  So we’ll see.  As usual, I’ll keep you posted.

Note: I was told that this is one-sided but I figure that since this is my blog I can say what I want. What say you?

Reflection of Me

A woman chooses a man that reflects how she feels about herself. 

A man treats a woman how he feels about himself.

That’s some good Word right there.  Yeah, I got that from Pastor Jones this morning.  (Why does that man ALWAYS kick me in the face?  Because he loves me?)  All I could do was nod my head and admit that he was talking me.  Yes, indeed, he was talking to me.

You see, you can tell how I feel about me by the dude I was dating at the time.  When I am feeling good about me, I will date a man that meets my requirements, in other words, meets most of my list, treats me right, and receives my affection without misusing me.  When I feel like crap, that dude can treat me like crap and I will ask what I am doing wrong.  And have the audacity to cry the ugly cry when he breaks it off with me.  Side note: Why do I always let dudes break up with me, even knowing that I “been needed” to break up with them…and then have my heart broken over it?  (I am real educated but I guess my schooling, as my grandmother calls it, does not apply to my love life.)

I have to get that part of me together.  My self-esteem that is.  I need to feel good about me all day every day.  So many people see me as great (LOL) that I SHOULD, even if I’m just living off the glow of their shine, but there are times when all I see are the negatives…bad skin, gut that is out of control (in my opinion), hair that needs some perm in the back and some scissors and clippers STAT…etc.  But if I just sat down and really INSIDE myself I’d see my true self…and I’m good.  Better than good.  Actually better than great.  (All right I need to quit before I get stupid!) 

The truth is that I’m blessed internally and externally, intrinsically and extrinsically.  I have a blessed reflection.  I reflect God-is-good-ness.  I reflect grace.  I reflect mercy.  I reflect internal beauty.  I reflect external cuteness (LOL).  I reflect humor.  I reflect hope.  I reflect anticipation.  I reflect self-reflection.  I reflect try-my-best-ness.  I reflect make-up-word-ness (LOL).  Now I just need to find the man who compliments, complements, and reflects me.  And that man has to love himself so much that he can’t do anything BUT love me.

Message to My Future Child - July 13, 2012

I really enjoyed writing my Message to My Future Husband.  One day I plan to give it to the man that God has for me.  Earlier today I said that I would revise it but I think I’m going to go with it as is.  As it came out in the moment.

I was thinking about who else I needed to “speak to”.  Who else but my future child?

I have been waiting on this day my whole life.  The day I found out that I am going to be a mother.  Your mother.  To say that I am happy would be an understatement. Would diminish the feelings of joy that I fell right now.  When you feel your first bit of pure joy you will understand.

I don’t yet know if you are a boy or a girl so I don’t know what to call you yet.  Your father and I will work on that!  For now, we will just call you our joy.  I’m sure by the time we know your sex we will have fought over your name (I’m sure I will win!)  I’ve already picked out my girl’s name.  He has already picked out his boy’s name.  We just haven’t agreed.  Until now we never really had to.  But because of you, our dear sweet baby, our joy, we will.

Having you will change everything in our lives and we are so excited at the gift of parenthood.  We cannot wait to hold you, to look in your eyes.  I wonder whose eyes you will have.  Whose nose you will have.  Whose mouth you will speak and laugh from.  Whose sense of humor you will capture.  Whose athleticism you will claim.  (I hope you have a lot more than I do!) Whose interests you will share.  Whether you will like to read or write.  I am sure you will be the best of us.  We hope to show you how to be the best you can be.

Knowing that I will be your mother makes me want to be better than I am today.  I owe you a perfect mother. Unfortunately I won’t be able to give you a perfect mother – she does not exist – but I hope I am able to meet every one of your needs and provide you many of your wants.  I pray to God that I lead you through your lifetime with a great example of personhood.  I pray I teach you to put God first, that God is love, and that love makes the world go around.  No, life is not a fairytale but we need love to live and I love you already. 

I prayed for you before you were a twinkle in my eye.  God formed you in His family before He placed you in ours.  He has a purpose for your life and I am commanded to help you achieve this purpose.  I will do everything in my power – with God’s help – to help you become the man or woman that God wants you to be.  Your father and I come together in this vow to you.

My joy, I look forward to meeting you.  In the meantime I will be careful so that you grow healthily in my tummy. 

With love,

“Mommy”

(and “Daddy” too)

A Good Thing

Pastor Jones did it again…gave a word that stepped all over my toes.  (I’m glad I had on my Chucks and not some cute pumps or I might not have been able to walk out of service.)  He preached on my FAVORITE scriptures (and others):

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanding.  In all thine ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.”

Verse 6 is my birthday verse (3/6 being my birthday).

Here is where Pastor broke me off something (paraphrase): “Stop praying for a husband.  Pray that God makes you a wife.” *crickets* Huh?  Don’t I need a husband to be a wife, Pastor?  Of course that is not what he meant.  He meant a Godly wife, the “good thing” that a man finds.

So, clearly I have been praying for a husband.  We know this. God knows this.  And clearly His answer has been “not yet”.  (I’m trying sooooo hard not to ask “why not?” or to say “HERRRRRRRY UP” because I know that neither will make God do anything that He is not ready to do.)  But what I have NOT been asking is “God what is it that I need to do or become to be the kind of wife that you want for the husband you are preparing for me?”  I haven’t prayed for God to make me a wife.

Honestly, I don’t even know what ALL being a wife means.  What ALL is expected of the “good thing”?  I’m real clear that I want my priest, protector, and provider.  I’m very clear that I want the head of my household, the father of my children.  And I say I want him now.  But am I ready for him?

Am I really, REALLY ready to be a wife?  A Godly wife.  A wife that submits to her husband…even when I don’t agree with what he wants us to do.  Am I too independent?  Am I too unorganized and junky (probably)?  Am I selfish?  Am I too accommodating?  Do I compromise too much or not enough?  Do I have enough to offer?  Do I pray enough?  Do I praise enough?  Do I trust enough? 

Who do I really lean on?

Am I a “good thing”?

I know that I will be praying from today on that God shapes me into the right man’s “good thing” and that I enjoy the transformation process.  I know it won’t be easy.  I know it won’t be painless.  Shoot, nothing has been easy or painless yet so I can’t imagine anything will all of a sudden lighten up…not when I am asking for more work and focus.

I must ask God for wisdom, trust and lean on Him – not self, friend or family – and walk in the path that He sets me on.