Single, But Not Bitter....Really?

I really had to think: am I really not bitter?  First I had to ask: what does bitter really mean?  So I looked it up.

Bitter:         

·         characterized by strong feelings of hatred, resentment, cynicism, etc.

·         characterized by intense antagonism or hostility

·         having or showing deep-seated resentment

Hmmm…. AM I bitter?  I’ve been bitter (PISSED OFF) about a whole bunch of other stuff in the past (don’t ask, you don’t have all night), and if I think about it too hard, I can get mad again, but not about being single – not in the present, anyway.  (Last year… whew…let’s not go there!)  Today, I’m just sad about being single.  That’s what I am.  Sad.

When I think about being single, sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.  Now, don’t give me the “nothing is wrong with you” and “any man worth a damn will love you for who you are”.  I KNOW all that but sometimes that just doesn’t matter on the inside.  Sometimes I feel like “why NOT me?” especially when I see some of the scallywags that are in relationships and married.

My brother is separated from the most raggedly woman I’ve ever met in my whole Black life.  CLAWD CHEEZUS I’ve never EVER met someone so trifling.  This trick said to me – in a condescending tone, no less – “no offense, but I could never imagine not being married by the time I was 30.”  Bitch.  I wanted to hang my size 8 shoe off in her ass.  Straight roundhouse kick to her throat.  (Shut up!  I know my knees are bad and I’d end up on crutches but hate, weight, and Tae Bo would have gotten my leg up there in a snap!)  But really, how in the fuck did this bitch get a husband and I can’t? 

But whatever.  I would NEVER want my brother’s hopefully soon-to-be-undone-marriage so I better quit comparing because God might say “oh, you jealous of her?  Let me give you what she has.” And I end up with some foolishness. (Didn’t I just say her shit was raggedly?  No thanks.)

Okay, I AM bitter about SOME folks having husbands but not about the fact that I am single…as the condition…just sometimes in a comparison.  Does that make sense?  (Probably not.  I don’t think I’m expressing it right.)

I’ve been told that I don’t believe I deserve a good relationship.  That I don’t think I’m worthy of a man that loves me…and just me…and wants to be with me…and just me.  Of course, I rebuke THAT demon!  The hell, I say!  Of course I do.  So why the negative self-talk?  Why do I tell myself all what is wrong with me?  Why do I give myself all the reasons that I am undesirable and why I don’t have a man?  Why don’t I affirm all that I am rather than focus on all that I am not?  Why do I give more emphasis to what I don’t have as opposed to what I have?  I know that what I am is much more than what I am not and what I have is much more than what I don’t…don’t I?  No, really…I know that, right?

No, I’m not bitter, I’m sad. I don’t have the energy to get or stay mad about it.  How can I be bitter when I am partially at fault for not being in a relationship?  Talking myself out of confidence isn’t going to project a “I’m the one for you” image.  If I was doing everything “right” and I still wasn’t making any progress then maybe I would be a little bitter, but until then…gotta make some changes in my life and not focus on what’s going on with other folks.