Keeping It Real....It's My Fault, Too

When I decided to write this blog, I promised myself that I would keep it real.  I would tell the truth, the whole truth…well, as much of it as required to say what I needed to say and say it honestly.  So here it goes…I have been played. Played, I say!  Played for a fool.  And sometimes – oftentimes, actually – it was my fault.  (See, I’m being so honest it hurts.)

You see, I am one of those broads who loves Love.  I want more than anything to Love and when I get a chance to express love and Love, whew, it’s exciting, especially when it is reciprocated.  Destiny’s Child has a song, “Cater to You”, and baby, that is me!  (Well, except that I think they talk about taking off shoes or some shit to do with feet.  I don’t do feet.  At all.)  I love to do for a man.  But that’s neither here nor there.  Let’s go back to the key word in this paragraph…reciprocated.  That’s where it goes wrong for your girl.  Sometimes I don’t recognize when what I’m feeling and giving ain’t reciprocated…or at least not in the same way.  Okay, I USUALLY DON’T.  Not until I’m heartbroken and doing the ugly-cry and eating caramel sundaes and fried chicken (well, grilled chicken since I’m on Weight Watchers).

The worst part about it is that I get mad at the brother when I am hurt.  No, the WORST part is that I hold grudges and wish bad things on them.  (Like, for example, make their wee wee leak so they have to wear women’s Poise pads.)  Holding grudges really only locks me in because they don’t give a shit that I am at the house hurting and damaged.  REALLY don’t give a shit that I’m giving the next man the side-eye because he said something that sounded like some foolishness that I’d heard before.  They are out living well while I am in a little bit of self-inflicted hell.

We all know that I should forgive the men who have hurt me…who I have allowed to hurt me, who I have hurt myself over.  It is for my benefit, not theirs.  More than that, though, I need to forgive myself for all the mistakes I’ve made all in the name of Love…or lust…or “please let this be Love”…or straight up bullshit that I’ve allowed.  Today I realized in a new way that holding on to past pain is probably killing the potential love story brewing somewhere in my life.  No, that holding on to past pain, and INFLICTING IT ON OTHERS, is DEFINITELY killing my potential Love story.  So I need to be healed of the pain and release the anger toward the folks who don’t give a shit that I’m angry.  And I need to be grateful that some of these folks that walked away before I was ready to let them go did me a favor…but that’s a whole ‘nother story. (smile)

Later note:  When I finished writing this, rather than thinking of the folks that I wanted apologies from, I thought of the apologies that I could have given back in the day and even now, for projecting past pain from the last man on the next man.  It’s too late and pointless for 99.99% of them but I will do it on the inside. J