Role Models

So I’ve been thinking a lot about children.  (You: what’s new?  Me: shut up.)  It’s not about what you think it is.  A girlfriend of mine sent an interview with Harry Belafonte basically ripping today’s Black celebrities for not being activists and great role models in our community, specifically Beyonce and Jay-Z.  My questions:

·        Are they responsible for the plight of the Black community because they have money?

·        Are they MORE responsible than us regular folks because they have MORE money than we have?

·        Why do we give THEM more power over our community than we assume for ourselves?

·        Are they REQUIRED to be role models in our community because they are artists that we support financially?

 

For me, I think it would be NICE if they looked at the community, saw the needs of the community, and tried to fill them, but I don’t think they are RESPONSIBLE just because they have money.  (Maybe because I don’t like anybody to count or spend MY money for me, I don’t like to spend anybody else’s money for them.)  They are singers, dancers, and rappers, not community activists.  They have committed to entertain, not be our role models.  What did Charles Barkley tell us years ago?  “I’m not a phuckin’ role model.”  Be your own kids’ role models because he is not the one.  (Keep it 100 Charles.)

 

I’m feeling like Charles is right.  When I have kids, I want to be their role models.  Me and the people I choose to expose them to.  Sure, they will be exposed to folks I don’t want to influence them, but I want my influence to be so strong that they are not swayed by foolishness.  I want my kids to say

 

“I got my love of science from my mama.” 

“My mama said to treat women the way I want somebody to treat her.”

“There is no other school than Spelman (or Morehouse) for me.”

“My daddy taught me to do computer programming.” 

“My daddy says a real man is a priest, protector, and provider, not a deadbeat so I’m not having a baby when I’m young, dumb, and can’t find a job.”

“My daddy said ‘wrap it up’.”

“My PawPaw taught me how to pray.”

“Auntie Taki got a PhD even after she was married with a child so I can do it too.”

“My aunt Adrienne was an engineer so I want to be one.” 

“Auntie Natasha is taught me how to do beautiful crafts since Mama can’t even glue straight.”

“Auntie Lisa went to business school so I can get my MBA, too.” 

“My aunt Nicole is a lawyer so I can be one too.” 

“Auntie Nic runs 5Ks so I am going to stay fit.” 

“Most of my aunts are Deltas so you know what I’m going to do!” (LOL) 

“My uncle Kenny taught me how to pitch.” 

“My cousin introduced me to the Boy Scouts and now I’m an Eagle Scout.”

“No weapon formed against me shall prosper.”

“I don’t have to take a bunch of BS from anybody.”

“Uncle Nick is a Que but Uncle Maury is an Alpha…so I’m confused.”  (HAHAHAHA)

I do not want my kids to say that Steebie, Karlie Red, or Lil Scrappy from “Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta” (or whoever is on TV at the time) is who they want to be when they grow up.  If they look at Beyonce and think what she does and says as more important than what I and the “village” I have built around them has done and said, I have failed as a mother. 

I’m scared as hell of failing as a mother.  Failing as a wife would be even more devastating (it would impact the husband and the children) but you can work on a marriage.  And it takes 2 for a marriage to work or fail.  Making a mother-child relationship work is all on the mother until the child reaches adulthood, and even then it’s on the mother because the relationship was built from childhood.  Trying to make it any other way puts too much undo and unfair pressure on a child.  I need to get on my knees about this now, before I even get in either role.

 

 

Two Sides of the Same Coin: Hurt Vs. Love

On today’s Strawberry Letter (Steve Harvey), a lady spoke of her hesitation to get involved with a seemingly great gentleman.  You see, she was previously in a verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically abusively relationship and had a baby by this man.  She got out of the relationship and is currently raising her daughter alone.  The new guy is telling her everything she wants to hear but she feels she is meeting his representative and is nervous because her baby daddy/abuser did and said all the same things but changed as the relationship progressed.  She is afraid of getting hurt again.

Now, it’s easy to say “get over it” and “girl, you have to give this good man a chance”, and, frankly, I want to say it too, but…see, I’ve been there.  No, I’ve never been physically abused (notice I only said physically) but I’ve been hurt.  BAD.  And I’ve been scared to open myself up to anyone else for fear of getting hurt again.  Not just scared…. Standing there with my mouth open looking stupid kind of scared.  Can’t move forward, backward, or to either side kind of scared.  (Please don’t sit there, lie, and say you haven’t been scared, too.  If I can be honest, so can you.)  I’ve even kept dudes at bay that I KNOW I WANTED…and they wanted ME.

You know what the problem is with all this:

You might not get hurt but you definitely won’t get loved.

And who doesn’t want love?  Sure people say they don’t care if they ever get married or have children.  That’s true.  Some people are comfortable being single and child-free.  But I don’t know anybody that doesn’t want to be loved, honored, and cherished.  (Maybe obeyed, too, but you don’t get that without a ring…maybe not even then, especially fooling with women and men who have been handling their own business for a long time.  “You ain’t the boss of me,” says me.)  Everybody wants someone to put them first and to have someone to put first.  Someone to hold their hand in love.  Someone other than their girl to hug (or give them that chest bump and back slap if they are dudes) to congratulate them when they get that promotion they’ve been working on.  Someone to whisper their fears to.  Someone to give “the look” (and you know what comes next…if you don’t, you REALLY need somebody in your life STAT…preferably with a little more experience so they can explain the look and what it means.).

Maybe I’m just romantic.  Maybe I’m stupid.  Who knows?  I put myself out there like a fool for love, risking getting hurt every time.  Marvin Sapp said that everybody is going to hurt you so you just have to find someone who is worth the pain.  Man that SUCKS!  But it is sooooo true.  So effing true.  The one you love the most is the one who can hurt you the most.

So I’m out there again…a fool for love.  Trying to enjoy every day.  Doing my part.  Keeping my expectations reasonable (okay, TRYING to keep my expectations of BOTH of us reasonable).  Fighting fear and paranoia.  Trying to add him without subtracting me.  Holding myself accountable for my behaviors.  Trying to stay honest with myself and with him.  Waiting on enough love to build up so I can fall in without breaking my neck.