There For Me

I have been in my house 15 years this year and I am blessed with some great neighbors that really look out for me.  I try to be a good neighbor to them, too.  (If I hear anything suspect I climb in my tub to peek out of my bathroom window.)  Two weeks ago, the daughter of the family passed away and it was a devastating loss that, even though I was not close to her at all, I felt as well.  Such a young girl.  28 is just too young…

In her program, she had the best pictures of her growing up and of her family.  I was taken aback looking at pictures of her mother.  You see, her mother is now wheelchair-bound and bed-ridden because she has been stricken by MS; she is bent and I’m not sure if she can move on her own.  But on these pictures she is healthy and beautiful…and healthy…and robust…and healthy.  It was amazing to see considering I’ve only seen her in a wheelchair and declining. 

Looking at her, knowing of her condition, makes me wonder sometimes, who would care for me if I ever declined so drastically?  Better question: who would be there if I got sick or was in serious need, period.

Is that something all single people question, or is it just me?  (For some reason, I don’t think it’s just me.)  It’s hard to imagine being alone or to have to count on people who may or may not be available at the time I’d need them.  (Kenny, Mama, and Daddy don’t live here and would have to put their lives on hold to come here and help me.  And they are old and have health issues themselves. Friends have their own families and lives.)  Even asking for help…admitting that I needed help is not easy for me.  Accepting help might even be harder.  My issues, my issues…. When I think like this, I get very sad about my singleness.

Marvin Sapp (my gospel music boyfriend) said in his relationship book (paraphrase): “just because you are single doesn’t mean you are unwanted”.

Hmmm…Really?  Feels like it, sir.  Really feels like it.  Unwanted and uncared for, even.

I realized recently that this is why I was hurt when me and old boy stopped dealing.  I felt wanted.  I felt cared for.  I felt that I would STAY wanted and cared for.  I felt that there would be a constant – not fickle – connection, full of compassion and free from judgment.  And then…POW!   Disconnection.  Devastation.

I felt “if not you, then who?”  Who would want me?  Who would need me?  Who would protect me?  Who would support me?  Who would have my back?  Who would be kind to me?  Who would hold me?  Who would love me?  Who would let me love them?  Fuck it, let’s be honest.  Who would marry me and be the father of my children?  I was lost…completely at a loss, with no answers, with no hope.  I thought I was out of possibility.  I thought I had lost my last and final option.

I would have no one to be there in the sickness as well as the health.  I would have no one that I automatically be there if I needed them, without me having to ask.  That makes me sad.  And scared.