On My Toes

Have you ever had somebody not just step on your toes but kick you dead in the mouth with your mess?  Today, for me, that person was Pastor A.T. Jones, Jr. of Impact Worship Center.  Pastor called me out (with love, of course) and made me ask myself some questions and, frankly, I’m not sure if I’m going to like the answers.

Pastor said that there are 3 types of problems that we face: problems from God that are meant to prepare us, problems from others that are meant to provoke us, and problems from ourselves that are meant to prevent us.  Prevent us from receiving God’s promises.  (Ouch.  Get off my toes, please, Pastor.  I think you might just be talking about me and my mess.)

Hmmm…. What promises have I been believing God for?  There are many but you know that I’m believing God for a husband and a family.  (The definition of family is a little “wobbly”.  We’ll see what I’m offered and then I’ll decide if that works for me.)  And I’m believing God for a new and better job.  To be honest, I’m wondering why it’s taking so long. (Sorry God for questioning Your perfect timing.)

I’m wondering if I am in a period of preparation, provocation, or prevention.  Probably all 3.  I don’t do anything half-way.  I’m all in, all the time.

I was talking to my cousin the other day about how sick I am of having my feelings hurt by people that I really invest in.  (Maybe I need to be a little more selective of who I invest in.)  I told her that every time I get hurt I wonder who it is that I hurt.  Who am I getting payback from?  (I’m thinking no one since it’s usually me that gets the boot.  Why no one recognizes how fly I am really confuses me.)  Maybe I am getting prepared.  Or am I doing something to prevent or block my own blessings? 

Well, let’s see… I’ve been mourning over a relationship that wasn’t with a man that wasn’t ever mine, losing time and energy and faith and strength and self-confidence and mental and physical health.  I have allowed grief and anger to consume me when I should have been focusing on how God took him out of my life….instead that clearly he was only in my life for a reason, not intended for a lifetime.  I’ve been suffering some overwhelming self-loathing which is extremely unattractive.  Who wants a woman that doesn’t love herself?  And that’s not even going into how I am NOT diligent about looking for that new and better job that I desire. Damn, I have been a hot mess. Yes, I would say I’ve been in my own way.  (Yes, Pastor, I DO like the taste of your shoe polish.  Kick me in the mouth again so that I might delight in it once more.)

Whatever is going on, I’m feeling confident that all that it will all work out.  I just need to stop and listen.  And obey.  And stop trying to “make” God tell me what I want to hear.  (I have a list of things that I want to respond YES to but He just will NOT ask me to do them.)  But I am going to act as though the things I want are around the corner.  (Or try to with as much confidence as I can!)

I’m not going to plan my spring wedding but I might buy a new dress for my next date. ;-)