Type Casting No More

I used to have a type.  Tall, skinny, and (usually) yella/red.  But in the 2000s, I don’t think I’ve dated ONE dude that has been tall and skinny.  I talked to one dude that was skinny and tall-ish when I was 27, in 2000, but that is just ONE in almost twelve years.  WTH has happened to me? 

I’ve not only branched UP (up to 6’5”)¸ I’ve branched OUT (up to 280 lbs…at 6’5”, not 5’5…let’s not get crazy).  To give perspective – in college my boyfriend was 5’9”, 145 pounds.  He was bigger than I was so…. I guess the bigger I get the bigger my men need to get.  I’ve dated a couple of “combinations”:

·        5’9”, 175 lb

·        6’4”, 255 lb

·        5’8”, 220 lb

It’s funny how the one that I lusted after the most is the one most people would question me the most about.  He’s short and 5 months pregnant (LOL) but he curls my toes just thinking about him. 

I talked about in “2 Up 2 Down” how beauty has been redefined but it wasn’t until recently – when I got called out/questioned – that I realized just how much.  It almost makes me laugh.  At least it doesn’t disturb me as much as I thought it would.  Back in the day this would NOT have happened but it’s been fun.  We’ll see where it leads me.  I’m trying to get out the game in 2012 so I gotta stay open.

People I Want to Punch in the Throat

I found this blog that you need to read, People I Want to Punch in the Throat (www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.blogspot.com) and now I’m addicted.  This broad is hilarious and talks about random things…and I have not disagreed with her yet.  And I, too, want to punch these people in the throat.  I know this blog is supposed to be about the single life of a single lady, but you know, as Single Lady, and as my “real self”, I come across people I really want to punch in the throat.  This is in no particular order.

1.      People who ask me why I’m single.  Now, this is not always an inappropriate question.  It just depends on the context.  There are in fact many reasons – some of them good - I am single but, to be honest, I don’t feel like I have to explain them to everybody who asks.  What I want to say is “mind your fucking business” or ask equally offensive questions like “how did you get a man/woman?” or “will you loan me a thousand dollars?” 

2.      People who want to introduce me to people they wouldn’t date themselves.  I am single, not desperate.  I do not want a man who is 3’8”.  I do not want a man who looks like he can open a Coke can with his teeth or that he chews on rocks. I do not want a man who does not have a good grasp on the English language.  And NEITHER DO YOU!  I want to settle down but I’ll be damned if I settle after waiting this damn long.

3.      People who assume I don’t want children because I don’t have them.  Get off of my ovaries.  You don’t know what is going on in there.  Hell, neither do I.  I don’t know if my shit works…I’ve never tested it out.  And won’t you feel like shit if you’ve talked all this yang and my shit doesn’t work?  I’m not receiving that…I’m going to have a mini-me one day.  Hopefully two.  And to all who are so concerned about my uterus: can I put you down for babysitting duties?

4.      People who count my money.  This is the quickest way to get cussed out.  Don’t tell me what I can afford.  Don’t tell me I’m cheap.  You don’t know what I’m doing with my money.  You don’t know what I have planned for my money.  Matter of fact – shut the fuck up.  If you’re not giving me any money, mind your fucking business.

5.      People who tell me what I “need to do” do when I didn’t ask for an outside opinion.  I am very open…obviously.  I often ask for advice.  Very often actually.  And when I do, I analyze it, decide whether it works for me, and either take it as a whole, in part, or totally discard it.  What I don’t like is when people say “what you NEED TO DO is…” when I didn’t ask.  (I recognize that I am being a hypocrite because I often give unsolicited advice even though I try not to.)  Don’t like it at all.  I really don’t like when folks give me unsolicited advice and then get mad when I don’t take it.  I try to be patient because, like I said, I do it too, but CLAWD I don’t respond well do funky attitudes.  You might be right but if you come at me sideways I might not do it out of meanness.  (Yes, I’m 12 years old.)  Or better (or worse) yet, I might just tell you to kiss my ass.

6.      People who take my kindness for weakness.  My daddy’s side of the family is, as my cousin says, kind but not nice.  Do anything for you…but will cuss you if need be.  Folks see so much of my mama in me that they forget that I’m a Harrison.  Bad idea.  I can set it off like the rest of them.  Difference is I’ll feel a little remorse after the fact.  A little.

I’m sure there are other folks who need to be punched in the throat but these are the ones I came up with off the top of my head.  I hope you don’t think less of me.  HAHAHA!  You probably don’t because you’re nodding your head in agreement and have already come up with #7-#10 of who else needs to be on your “need to be punched in the throat” list.

Free Food Ain't Free

A coworker/buddy of mine told me something really ignorant yesterday.  Per an article her 53-year-old single sister sent her, ladies in New York are using online dating sites, like match.com, not to look for love exactly, but to supplement their food budget.  In other words, meet men and get free meals.  What the what?  Is it that crucial?  Are folks THAT broke that they would date random dudes just to get free food?

Even in college I was not into “free food”.  Now, to be fair, I was not the hot chick in college so I didn’t have lots of opportunities to decide yes or no.  Let’s just say I got better with age.  (Ignore the flashback to my Spelman days snatch-back ponytail that I am sporting today.  I will be getting my hair done tomorrow.)  I’m called Single Lady for an obvious reason but you know what I’m saying.  But I digress… I say I was not into “free food” because free food isn’t really “free”.  Sure, it may not cost you money but it is not free.  You may get to choose a place you cannot afford on your own but it’s not free.  You may get to eat an entrée that you wouldn’t select if you had to pull out your own wallet but that meal is not really free.

You pay with your time.  You pay with your energy.  You pay with your attention.  And if you don’t like the dude, the price just might be higher than the cost of the “free” food.

Well, that is what I think anyway.  Maybe I’m just not nice…or just not nice enough to spend time with somebody I don’t like and smile about it.  I can’t sit there with a dude, wishing I was somewhere – ANYWHERE – else, thinking “well, at least it’s free food”.  Before I even get to that point, I can’t get to the point where I accept a date with a dude I am not attracted to just because I can get “free food”.  (I’m still not the baddest b* out but I attract my fair share of ragamuffins.)

Am I neurotic?  Is it just not that serious?  Am I just mean and intolerant?  Probably all of that, but dammit, I go to work everyday and I will eat microwave oatmeal, cheddar cheese rice cakes, granola bars, and KFC everyday just to avoid the not-really-free-food shenanigans. 

Hermie D. Clown [Done Messed] Around...But What Does That Mean To You?

Herman Cain may have lost his seat with the big boys and girls because of women other than his wife.  Now, if the sexual harassment claims are true…well, fry his ass because that is a crime and nobody should get away with that kind of shit.  But this new broad, this “friend” that his wife didn’t know about, the one claiming the on/off affair for over a decade might just be the one to mess him up.  But should an affair –excuse me, an alleged affair – really sink a man’s professional aspirations?

Some would say yes, especially when one’s aspiration includes becoming the President of the United States, for the office of the President should evoke a sense of trustworthiness.  If a man’s wife can’t trust him, can the people in his country?  If his judgment is so clouded that he believes an affair will either 1) not be discovered or 2) not disturb his life’s status quo, can we trust his judgment in all the roles and responsibilities held by the President?  Will he do right by the country if he can’t do right by his wife?

Now, folks let JFK and Marilyn Monroe slide – have an affair that even those of us who were not even born then know about – but is that because infidelity was more the norm then?  Or is it because it wasn’t news, wasn’t reported on every news outlet every 36 minutes of every day like Herman Cain’s allegations?  JFK damn sure wasn’t on YouTube and wasn’t discussed daily on FaceBook but I can find everything I ever wanted to know about old Hermie on either.  Maybe Herman Cain needs to switch teams and go Democrat because Black folks sure got over Messy Jackson’s side piece and illegitimate kid and Bill Clinton’s cigar pretty quickly.  Me? I figured if Mrs. Jackson and Mrs. Clinton liked it, I might as well love it; I wasn’t in danger of catching anything from those dudes.  Also, Messy Jackson couldn’t lose any more respect from me...I had very little before that came out.  But that is neither here nor there.

On FaceBook a friend suggested that we’d do well in this country if we would adopt a “who cares what happens in other folks’ bedroom” attitude that other cultures seem to have.  I kind of agreed but had to counter that it would be more of at “who cares what happens in MEN’S bedrooms” because women are still not afforded the same sexual freedom as men around the globe.  Maybe if we stopped focusing on who was sleeping with whom – and how, and when, and why, and where – we could focus on a person’s talent, skills, and other offerings.  Maybe a person CAN compartmentalize…have a messy personal life and still be qualified to lead a community, corporation, or even a country.  Maybe a person CAN have two or more character profiles, that he or she can successfully transform themselves to fit whatever situation they are in.

But isn’t that what we are most afraid of?  That we are only seeing a part of what a person is.  That we will never really know who a person really is.  That we only know what a person wants us to know, see what a person wants us to see.  That we are missing some information that we need.  That we might be doing the same thing in our relationships.

I am afraid I can skillfully compartmentalize when I am not being careful and vigilant.  That I can present what I want a person to see, especially if I am ashamed of a part of myself…at least until I have been given permission, per se, to freely share without fear of judgment or retribution.  But I work hard – HARD, I say – at it.  I make myself uncomfortable sometimes to be open and honest.  Even writing THIS is sometimes painful to me but I promised myself and YOU that I’d be transparent.  Sometimes I may fail even when I am clear on what I think and what I feel.  But I promise to keep working. 

And working.

And working.