Waiting to Exhale

“I thought if I gave him what he needed, he’d give me what I needed.” (Bernadine)

I remember that line so clearly from the movie Waiting to Exhale.  It resonated with me.  Just now I felt it in my spirit…and it hurt.  Why?  Because I have thought that if I gave him what he needed, he’d give me what I needed.

I’m sure I’m not the only one but I’m just going to tell you about me.

When I think of all the stupid situations I’ve dealt with, only one fills me with the kind of regret that chokes me from the inside.  The kind that takes my breath away and causes my heart to beat funny, but not in the good way.  Because I thought if I gave him what he needed, he’d give me what I needed.

The problems with that are plentiful:

·        I didn’t ask him what he needed. I just thought I knew.

·        I didn’t ask him if he wanted ME to give him what I thought he needed.

·        I never told him what I needed.

·        He never agreed to give me what I needed.

The key is that he never agreed to give me what I needed.  I just assumed that if I Loved him hard enough he’d Love me back and want to give me what I needed.  Until that point I’d Love enough for both of us.

Wrong.  Nobody has enough love to love for two people.  Ever.  But you couldn’t have told me that.

(Inhaling.)

He is now married to someone else and I don’t really wish him well.  Sorry, I’m not that evolved.  (My chest hurts right now.)  He represents every bit of stupidity that I have done and allowed all wrapped up in a black lace bow.  He represents some of the most pain I have ever felt, even if I never said so.  He represents the biggest feeling of desperation I have ever felt; I actually wanted to call it off but didn’t because I had invested so much and it had to work out…right?

(Holding my breath.)

Years later, after self-reflection, I realize that I must not have Loved him because I don’t have any warm feelings for him left at all.  I never want to see him again.  I never want to hear from him again.  I don’t want any reminders of him.  I don’t wish him physical harm but that is about it.

I guess pain turns to bitterness – ANGER – sometimes, doesn’t it?  This anger is at myself…him too…but mostly me.  Thank God I know better now.  Let’s hope I put it in practice.

(Exhaling.)